Goodnight Drey

“Goodnight Drey.” Such a simple statement.  Such a powerful statement.  It sent me into tears Tuesday evening.

Robbie and I attended our first Compassionate Friends group.  We liked it.  We plan to return.

At the close of the meeting we all held hands and went around the circle and each one said goodnight to their child.  I tear up just typing the words.  I didn’t see it coming… but when I heard myself say, “Goodnight Drey” I just broke down.  I haven’t said those words in almost 2 years.  They were sharp words that used to be precious words.  Endearing words.  Words I took for granted.  Who knew?   Who could’ve predicted this is what the rest of our lives would look like

Apparently Drey could have.

I ache today.  For several reasons.  Wednesday’s are by far my least favorite day of the week.  They don’t always bother me but lately they have been.  (Yes – Wednesday is the day of the week my son took his life).   I’ve had a few emotionally charged conversations in the non-profit suicide awareness space lately.  They ended well but it’s hard to not feel unsettled.  I put my cat down on Monday.  I wasn’t that close to the cat so it hasn’t been super traumatic but he was part of our lives for 16 years.  Robbie is taking a long weekend road trip and he and David (my stepson) leave tomorrow.  I’m anxious about that.  I fear something will happen to them.  I’ve learned all too well life can completely change in a blink of an eye.  It’s not realistic for me to not be anxious about the trip… I just have to let it be what it is and manage it rather than trying to stuff it.

I’m not thinking clearly.  Everything’s jumbled in my mind.  I took on too much this week.  It’s been a long time – well a few months anyway – since I’ve had a week where I felt I took too much on.  Still learning what this new life and new limits look like…